If You Have A Bad Temper (2)

“The Talmud teaches that when a wise man loses his temper, he also loses his wisdom.”  This reading feels incredibly appropriate with today’s news of the discovery of the three Israeli teenagers bodies just outside of Hebron.  Such a tragedy on so many levels.  For the families - unspeakable sadness, a parent should never have to bury a child, but especially under these circumstances.  For the Israelis and Palestinians - one can only pray that the ‘bad tempered’ on both sides are able to somehow hold back on their words and actions.  Telushkin ends his piece quoting an 11th century Jewish poet, Solomon ibn Gabriel, “I can retract what I did not say, but I cannot retract what I already said.”

What might today’s discovery spiral into?   Israeli retaliation followed by Hamas “opening the gates of hell” as they have threatened to do in case of retaliation?  Can cooler heads, on both sides, seize this moment?  Is peaceful co-existence still a possibility?  Sad times, indeed.

If You Have A Bad Temper. Part 1

This is the first time that Telushkin has used “Part 1", so we are clearly onto a big topic.  He cites the Mishnah tract about the four kinds of temperament, focusing on the idea that it is more important to train oneself to be easily appeased, than it it is to be one who is slow to anger.

I expected the reverse.  I suppose he puts the emphasis this way because being easily appeased focuses more on the other person, while anger is something within ourselves.  He is consistent in his emphasis on "what we do to others" being more important than "what we do to ourselves."  He states that it is important to work on both aspects of the temperament.  Looking forward to how he parses this for tomorrow.

Don’t Speak Unless You Have Something To Say

Quoting Disraeli’s advice to a new member of Parliament, “It is better to remain silent and have people say, ‘I wonder what he’s thing,’ than to speak up and have people say, ‘I wonder why he spoke.’”

Or to remember David Byrne, Say something once, why say it again?  I have always been reluctant to speak up in most situations.  But then there are places like camp, where I feel so comfortable speaking up, and often, in a comedically gruff way.  Today’s rap a good example. 

“I’m an older white man and a Jew to boot,

But they put me in rap so I better get to it.

I don’t think this music really has a point,

So I’d rather study Torah and smoke a joint.”

Done, I might say, with some swagger and attitude.  If you’re going to say something - make it worth listening to (and thinking about).  Don’t talk to be heard, talk to be listened to.

Respect Your In Laws

Using the example of Moses and Jethro, Telushkin reminds us that, if nothing else, our in laws are responsible for creating and shaping our spouses.  Dayenu!

Love Your Wife As Yourself

Love Your Wife As Yourself

             Babylonian Talmud

The important point, says Telushkin, is not that you feel as if you acted with love, but that your wife feels loved.  It’s not about my actions, but about her feelings.  In so many ways, our actions can be misinterpreted.  It’s is all, and always, in the subtext.  There are the words I say, but there is also the way that I say them.  Just as there are the actions that I do, and the way that I do them.  As in all of life, it’s not about the action or the intention alone, it is also and always about the way the words and actions are perceived.  

It is that way with people who are sometimes unintentionally cruel by telling the truth.  “You asked, so I told you.”  Not always the best way to respond.  Sometimes, to maintain peace in the house, it is necessary to nuance your answer or action.  Truth may be the easiest story to remember.  But it’s not always the best story for the situation.  

The First Trait To Look For In A Spouse

When I was young, I admired clever people.  Now that I’m older, I admire kind people.

          Rabbi Milton Steinberg

Telushkin reviews the tale of Rebecca at the well.  A woman, who happened to be lovely, was also strong enough to carry water for camels, and kind enough to offer water to a stranger.  Who happened to be Abraham’s servant, looking for a wife for Abraham’s son, Isaac.

Kindness.  A quality that can be measured in so many small ways.  Like all of Telushkin’s writings to this point - the quality of the person is in the small details of their behavior.  Kindness.  Fairness.  Honoring your family above all else.  

Karyl and I have been together for almost 34 years.  34 years!!  It’s impossible to remember all of the big and small things that have transpired over that time.  Seattle.  Kids.  Newton.  Jobs.  Friends.  Losses.  Victories.  So much to be measured in so many small moments.

Kindness.  The little moments I get to experience everyday when I work at Starbucks, and how little effort is required to make someone smile.  The surprisingly small things that elicit the response, “Wow.  You just made my day.  I really needed that.”  Kindness is so easy.

With both kids home for the summer, I am readjusting to be an everyday parent.  I realize again how easy it is NOT to be kind.  I have to remember the mantra from several days ago, “Be the reason someone smiles today.”  

Stay Away From A Bad Neighbor

Telushkin uses this idea from Pirkei Avot, as a jumping off point for today’s lesson.  Lot was strongly influenced by his neighbors in Sodom - although he refused the crowd’s demands to have their way with his guests (who happened to be messengers from God), he did offer his two virgin daughters to the crowd.  And then there was Korach, who was able to roundup 250 leaders of the tribe of Reuven to rebel against Moses and Aaron - that didn’t go so well for them.  Peer pressure is something that we are all aware of.  But Telushkin makes an intriguing statement, “…evil tends to be a more powerful influence than good.”

That made me pause and go, “Hmmm.”  Really?  Is that really true?  Maybe evil is more powerful than good (certainly a few armed terrorists can hijack a much larger group).  Maybe evil is somehow more compelling than good?  But what does that say about the good options that are provided to people?  Is it naive to think that good can be more powerful than evil?  We certainly see some cases where “good prevails” - this week’s celebration of the 50th anniversary of The Freedom Marchs would be a relevant example.  But good never seems to prevail without a lot of pain and a long experience of evil.  Is there something innate in human nature that is drawn to evil.  Or if evil is a bit hyperbolic, why are we so often drawn to the things that we know are bad for us?  THAT is a topic that I hope Telushkin explores in greater depth.