If You Have A Bad Temper (2)

“The Talmud teaches that when a wise man loses his temper, he also loses his wisdom.”  This reading feels incredibly appropriate with today’s news of the discovery of the three Israeli teenagers bodies just outside of Hebron.  Such a tragedy on so many levels.  For the families - unspeakable sadness, a parent should never have to bury a child, but especially under these circumstances.  For the Israelis and Palestinians - one can only pray that the ‘bad tempered’ on both sides are able to somehow hold back on their words and actions.  Telushkin ends his piece quoting an 11th century Jewish poet, Solomon ibn Gabriel, “I can retract what I did not say, but I cannot retract what I already said.”

What might today’s discovery spiral into?   Israeli retaliation followed by Hamas “opening the gates of hell” as they have threatened to do in case of retaliation?  Can cooler heads, on both sides, seize this moment?  Is peaceful co-existence still a possibility?  Sad times, indeed.

If You Have A Bad Temper. Part 1

This is the first time that Telushkin has used “Part 1", so we are clearly onto a big topic.  He cites the Mishnah tract about the four kinds of temperament, focusing on the idea that it is more important to train oneself to be easily appeased, than it it is to be one who is slow to anger.

I expected the reverse.  I suppose he puts the emphasis this way because being easily appeased focuses more on the other person, while anger is something within ourselves.  He is consistent in his emphasis on "what we do to others" being more important than "what we do to ourselves."  He states that it is important to work on both aspects of the temperament.  Looking forward to how he parses this for tomorrow.

Don’t Speak Unless You Have Something To Say

Quoting Disraeli’s advice to a new member of Parliament, “It is better to remain silent and have people say, ‘I wonder what he’s thing,’ than to speak up and have people say, ‘I wonder why he spoke.’”

Or to remember David Byrne, Say something once, why say it again?  I have always been reluctant to speak up in most situations.  But then there are places like camp, where I feel so comfortable speaking up, and often, in a comedically gruff way.  Today’s rap a good example. 

“I’m an older white man and a Jew to boot,

But they put me in rap so I better get to it.

I don’t think this music really has a point,

So I’d rather study Torah and smoke a joint.”

Done, I might say, with some swagger and attitude.  If you’re going to say something - make it worth listening to (and thinking about).  Don’t talk to be heard, talk to be listened to.

Respect Your In Laws

Using the example of Moses and Jethro, Telushkin reminds us that, if nothing else, our in laws are responsible for creating and shaping our spouses.  Dayenu!

Love Your Wife As Yourself

Love Your Wife As Yourself

             Babylonian Talmud

The important point, says Telushkin, is not that you feel as if you acted with love, but that your wife feels loved.  It’s not about my actions, but about her feelings.  In so many ways, our actions can be misinterpreted.  It’s is all, and always, in the subtext.  There are the words I say, but there is also the way that I say them.  Just as there are the actions that I do, and the way that I do them.  As in all of life, it’s not about the action or the intention alone, it is also and always about the way the words and actions are perceived.  

It is that way with people who are sometimes unintentionally cruel by telling the truth.  “You asked, so I told you.”  Not always the best way to respond.  Sometimes, to maintain peace in the house, it is necessary to nuance your answer or action.  Truth may be the easiest story to remember.  But it’s not always the best story for the situation.  

The First Trait To Look For In A Spouse

When I was young, I admired clever people.  Now that I’m older, I admire kind people.

          Rabbi Milton Steinberg

Telushkin reviews the tale of Rebecca at the well.  A woman, who happened to be lovely, was also strong enough to carry water for camels, and kind enough to offer water to a stranger.  Who happened to be Abraham’s servant, looking for a wife for Abraham’s son, Isaac.

Kindness.  A quality that can be measured in so many small ways.  Like all of Telushkin’s writings to this point - the quality of the person is in the small details of their behavior.  Kindness.  Fairness.  Honoring your family above all else.  

Karyl and I have been together for almost 34 years.  34 years!!  It’s impossible to remember all of the big and small things that have transpired over that time.  Seattle.  Kids.  Newton.  Jobs.  Friends.  Losses.  Victories.  So much to be measured in so many small moments.

Kindness.  The little moments I get to experience everyday when I work at Starbucks, and how little effort is required to make someone smile.  The surprisingly small things that elicit the response, “Wow.  You just made my day.  I really needed that.”  Kindness is so easy.

With both kids home for the summer, I am readjusting to be an everyday parent.  I realize again how easy it is NOT to be kind.  I have to remember the mantra from several days ago, “Be the reason someone smiles today.”  

Stay Away From A Bad Neighbor

Telushkin uses this idea from Pirkei Avot, as a jumping off point for today’s lesson.  Lot was strongly influenced by his neighbors in Sodom - although he refused the crowd’s demands to have their way with his guests (who happened to be messengers from God), he did offer his two virgin daughters to the crowd.  And then there was Korach, who was able to roundup 250 leaders of the tribe of Reuven to rebel against Moses and Aaron - that didn’t go so well for them.  Peer pressure is something that we are all aware of.  But Telushkin makes an intriguing statement, “…evil tends to be a more powerful influence than good.”

That made me pause and go, “Hmmm.”  Really?  Is that really true?  Maybe evil is more powerful than good (certainly a few armed terrorists can hijack a much larger group).  Maybe evil is somehow more compelling than good?  But what does that say about the good options that are provided to people?  Is it naive to think that good can be more powerful than evil?  We certainly see some cases where “good prevails” - this week’s celebration of the 50th anniversary of The Freedom Marchs would be a relevant example.  But good never seems to prevail without a lot of pain and a long experience of evil.  Is there something innate in human nature that is drawn to evil.  Or if evil is a bit hyperbolic, why are we so often drawn to the things that we know are bad for us?  THAT is a topic that I hope Telushkin explores in greater depth.

Don’t Waste Time

He tells the story of a dentist who, between appointments, would spend a couple of minutes studying Talmud.  In this way, he says, the man was able to complete Daf Yomi in 7 years.

Don’t.  Waste.  Time.  This may be my biggest issue.  “Wasting time” vs. “relaxing.”  My life isn’t REALLY that tiring.  I should use my awake time more productively (do some of that writing you’re always threatening to do…)  Create good habits.  Habits take practice.  Start practicing.

Bless Your Children

It is customary for parents to bless their children on Shabbat in conjunction with the lighting of Shabbat candles.  This is one thing that I wish I had done every Shabbat.  When our kids were younger (they are now 19 and 23), I used to make sure that we had a special Shabbat dinner every Friday night.  It usually consisted of challah, a roast chicken, some form of potato and sparkling apple cider.  We didn't always light candles. We never blessed the kids.

I have often felt guilty (THERES a useless waste of energy) that we didn't make  Shabbat more special.  I love the idea mentioned in this piece of saying something to each child about a thing they did that week which made their parents proud.

Shabbat, as Heschel reminds us  is a 'cathedral in time'. A special time for reflection and study.  This weekend we are gathered with friends at a small  cabin in Maine to spread the ashes of a beloved friend on a lake which meant the world to her.  This will be an extraordinary Shabbat.

Oh to have those earlier Shabbats back.  Over the past couple of years, I have made sure to wish my kids, while away at college, a happy Shabbat.  The simple act of making the wish reminds ME that Shabbat has returned, and with it, the obligation to slow down, study and reflect.  And bless my children.

Shabbat shalom!

Support Political Asylum

This one seems to come out of left field, but I don’t have a sense of the big picture yet.  He makes an intriguing point that, in some ways, Torah was revolutionary (belief in one God); and in other ways evolutionary (polygamy is ok, but all referenced polygamous relationships are unhappy leading to an eventual ban on polygamy).

Again, slavery which was universally accepted in ‘those’ days, was accepted in Torah with caveats.  Importantly, however, runaway slaves were not to be returned to their masters.  Indeed, the Ten Plagues were to ensure the freedom of the  Israelites.  This, according to Telushkin, demonstrates that the Bible’s “ideal hope is for human beings to live in freedom.”  I don’t think this is a metaphorical freedom, I think this is political freedom.

So far we have read about hearing sirens, another person’s money, trading in stolen goods, being kind, being generous, not cheating, making contact with the beggar, not playing favorites, not frightening your family and supporting freedom.  All solid qualities, and certainly ideals around which a society might be based.  But there seems to be some randomness to this.  Let’s see where this continues….

Don’t Make Your Family Afraid of You

The Talmud discusses the dangers of domestic violence.  When my kids were younger, I had issues with my temper.  Although I never hit the kids, my loud voice could get pretty scary.  Although I understand NOW that neither of them were being pains in the butt on purpose, I didn’t see it that way sometimes.  I will never forget the time that Ben said to me, “Dad, you’re scaring me.”  He was in middle school at the time.  I wasn’t only scaring him, it turns out I was scaring myself as well.  That lead to therapy and medication.  Life is much calmer - not just because the kids are older, but because I understand the causes of my own frustrations better now.  Don’t make your family afraid of you.

Don’t Play Favorites

The story of Jacob and his unabashed favoritism towards Joseph is cited here.  A commentary is referenced which suggests that because Jacob favored Joseph and gave him the special coat, eventually all of Israel was enslaved in Egypt.

That MIGHT be stretching the analogy a little, but the point is clear.  Love your children, not equally, but UNIQUELY.  Show them unconditional love for the gifts which they have.  Cherish them for the people they are and the people they will become.  Again, Rabbi Telushkin’s advice is both simple and exceedingly difficult.  

Now that both of our kids are ‘older’ (23 and 19), I sometimes find myself wondering, “What if….”  It’s a pointless and harmful exercise.  It is a miracle to watch them both become adults - I can, and do, make suggestions, but they are both at an age where they understand that THEIR actions have consequences.  I guess, the most important advice I can give is not to sweat the small stuff, to invest their energy into those activities which can positively affect them.  

More than giving advice, I continue to try to model behavior that is “good.”  Judaism is a religion of action more than a religion of ‘belief.”  In my behavior, I can always try to model ‘the good.’  

When A Person Says “I’m Hungry”

“We should be guided by the obviously hyperbolic words of the Chasidic Rebbe, Chaim of Sanz, ‘The merit of charity is so great that I am happy to give to 100 beggars, even if only 1 might actually be hungry.  Some act as if they are exempt from giving charity  to 100 beggars in the event that 1 might be a fraud.’”

Once again, Rabbi Telushkin presents us with a simple and direct ideal for interacting with The Other.  Granted, I’m only a bit more than a week into this, but I am wondering - are all 365 days as simple and direct as this?  Can the ethics of Judaism, the ethics of living a righteous life, be boiled down to such simple ideals?As Micah said, “Do justice.  Love mercy.  Walk humbly with your God.”  Paraphrasing my teacher Alan Ullman, “Doing justice and loving mercy.  Those are important and anyone can do those.  But if you are not also wrestling with the idea of what it means to do so while walking humbly with God, than are you ‘doing it’ Jewish?’”

Today we are being visited by my sister in law and niece.  For dinner we’re grilling salmon - it was on sale at Whole Foods for $13.99 a pound.  Five dollars off per pound!  I know that I am blessed when I can say say, “I’ll take two pounds.”  Will I also remember to listen to Chaim of Sanz, the next time I stop at a light and a gentleman or woman comes up to my car with sign which says, in effect, “I’m hungry”?

Give Cheerfully

OK.  Back on cycle.

The Talmud says that we each experience three names in the course of our lifetimes.  But with the Facebook glut of "What'S Your ---------- Name?" I have already surpassed my three.  I am (Travoltified) Johannes Shlomba or Jess Colezan; (Steam Punk) Lord Ambrose Wakedale; (Superhero) The Blue Plaid Window and (Star Wars) Conjo Banew.  

Then there are all the tests one can take to determine a wide range of things, from the decade you should have been born in, to the movie star who most clearly expresses your personality. Today I discovered my True Life Motto - “Be the reason someone smiles today.”

That, I think, is part of the meaning of today's Telushkin piece. When you give tzedakah, suggests Telushkin, you should look the person in the eye and say, “May God bless you.”  More important than the money is the eye contact. In that moment of connection, you create a little bit holiness. 

Two years at Sbux has, time and again, shown me the truth of this.  Create a little contact.  It goes a long way.   It's no more difficult to smile than it is to be grumpy. As a result of a little contact, I’ve had some wonderful conversations. 

“Be the reason someone smiles today.”  I can support that simple idea.  

Until tomorrow, I am, Lord Ambrose Wakedale

Holding off on a new post until Sunday...

Telushkin’s book begin’s on “Day One.” I wondered if he might have special ‘Shabbat Postings.’  I’m at Day 7, and at least for this week, he does.  I’m going to hold off on my next posting until Sunday - at which point our ‘days’ will be in sync.  See you Sunday.

When You’re Tempted to Cheat

Know what is above you, an eye that sees…

Pirke Avot  2:1

He relates a story of the Baal Shem Tov.  The BeShT hired a driver to take him to another town, along the way, they passed through a field full of beautiful vegetables.   The wagon driver asked the BeShT (not knowing who he was) to act as a look out as he helped himself to some vegetables.  “Someone can see us!” yelled the BeShT, the driver hurried back to the wagon and took off.  He was furious that the BeShT called him back when no one was around, the BeShT pointed heavenward and said, “God is always watching.”

Whatever your image of God might be - someone is always watching.  I have had some interesting conversations with 3rd and 4th grade classes about the importance of doing the right thing, even if no one is watching you.  They get it.

Be Generous, Even When Your Instincts Are Lazy

This one is not particularly inspiring - he uses the example of giving away old clothes, rather than throwing them out.  Does anyone really throw away old clothes that are still in good shape? 

What Would God Want Me To Do?

According to the Talmud, acts of kindness are superior to charity in three ways - we can do them with money or with time, we can be kind to both the rich and the poor, and we can be kind to both the living and the dead.

This seems pretty straight forward - when given the opportunity be kind, be kind.  All too often, it is easier to pass up those opportunities because - I’m in a hurry, or, I don’t know the person, or…so - be kind.

The Purchase That Is Always Forbidden

One may not buy wool, milk or kids from shepherds.  Nor may one buy wood or fruit from the watchmen of orchards.

Mishna, Bava Kamma 10:9

It is against Jewish custom to buy goods from a person who is ostensibly responsible for watching over the goods.   In these cases, the shepherd and the watchmen are not the owners of the goods, but the overseers of them.  Telushkin suggests that one should refrain from questionable purchases, to the point of assuming the seller is ‘guilty until proven innocent.’  Err on the side of caution, is the lesson here.  If the deal seems to be too good to be true, it probably is.  He concludes with a quote from Proverbs, “He who shares with a thief is the enemy of his own soul.”

Three days in - the wisdom is pretty straightforward.  Take a moment to think about that siren you hear; treat your business affairs scrupulously; don’t take any deals that seem too good to be true.  Simple as these ideas might be, how much more civil would the world be if we all acted on these truths?   Shabbat shalom!

Let Your Fellow’s Money Be As Precious To You As Your Own

“If one is honest in his business dealings and people esteem him, it is accounted to him as though he had fulfilled the whole Torah.”  Mechilta, B’Shalach 1

We will be judged (by the community, by God), not by our piety, but by how we treat other people.  Were we fair in our business practices?  Did we pay workers fairly, and on time? 

In this short piece, Telushkin repeatedly suggests that we are judged not by what we think, but by what we do.  Our motives can be murky (even to ourselves), but our actions speak for themselves.  We note that someone, “Talks the talks” but then wonder if they also, “walk the walk?”   The Talmud says that we receive three names over the course of our lives - the name our parents give us, the name our friends give us, and the name we earn.  Of the three, the name that we earn is the most important. 

In the first two entries, we are asked to say a prayer for the stranger in distress when we hear a siren, and to treat ‘the other’s’ money as preciously as we treat our own.  If I try to remember these two ideas every day, it will give me plenty to work on.

On Hearing A Siren

Telushkin’s book begins with the question, "What is your first reaction when you're talking with a friend and your conversation is suddenly interrupted by the wail of a siren...?"  Do you say a prayer, hoping that the emergency vehicle gets "there" in time or do you go on with your conversation, perhaps annoyed by the interruption?  Not a metaphorical alarm.  Not bells and whistles going off in your head - an actual siren, indicating that a person nearby is in distress.  What do you do?

Do you take the opportunity to say prayer for a stranger, as a way to connect.    With God.  With the stranger.  It is a place to begin. A prayer for a stranger.  In our siddur, Mishkan T’fillah, there is a poem found at the beginning of the Amidah.  In it, the pray-er says, “Prayer may not fix a broken bridge or water a parched field…”  I have wondered recently, “But what if it does.”  Not in the God’s Hand Reaching Down From Heaven kind of way - but in the way that a prayer might inspire someone, or a community, to fix the bridge or water a field.  Perhaps that is the miracle of prayer - it can focus and energize a personal, or communal, call to action.

Dipping One Toe In The Water

Tonight, or tomorrow (depending on how you read a calendar, and what calendar you read) we celebrate Shavuot - the time that, according to tradition, God gave Torah at Sinai.  I sit on my butt a lot:  reading 'things Jewish', thinking 'things Jewish', wondering about 'things Jewish.'  In an effort to get off of my metaphorical butt, I've decided to begin a blog.  Where to begin?

Last night, I downloaded Rabbi Telushkin's The Book of Jewish Values:   A Day By Day Guide To Ethical Living.  365 entries in his book.  I am going to try to read one a day.  Only one.  And write a response.  Everyday for the next year.

That's what this blog is.   I hope you'll check in periodically.  I hope that I do this.  "Sticking to a project" has never been one of my strengths, so we'll see.

I'll Keep You Posted.