Some Thoughts for A Bar Or Bat Mitzvah

Becoming a bar or bat mitzvah is more than celebrating your first aliyah.  Becoming an adult in the eyes of the Jewish world, means taking on some of the responsibilities of becoming an adult.  Telushkin suggests, via Rabbi Jeffrey Salkind, that we begin celebrating our coming of age the year before the ‘celebration’ by taking on some mitzvoth which demonstrate basic Jewish values - visiting the sick, helping out in a food pantry, donating to a worthy cause (whether time or money).

For Reva’s ‘mitzvah’, she and I began cooking once every other month at Second Church in Newton.  That was 10 years ago.  We did it maybe 4 or 5 times that year, I’ve continued to do it 4 or 5 times a year  ever since.  It’s such an easy way to spend a couple of hours helping out ‘the other.’  I love to cook.  Cooking for 100 people reminds me how blessed I am to be able to cook for 2 or 3 or 4 (or a few more).  Nothing is more life giving for me than cooking.  

I recently suggested to both of my children (23 and 19) that they think about taking a small part of their weekly salaries and make a donation.  We’ll see what those seeds might grow into.

When Is It Appropriate to Pass On A Rumor?

A friend has said that she is going to invest with a certain money manager about whom you have heard negative things.  But you don’t know for SURE that those things are true or not.  Should you remain silent?  Telushkin suggests that there is an ethical and unethical way to pass along hearsay information.  Say to your friend that you have heard that So-and-so’s record is a bit spotty, maybe it would be wise to check with a couple of his clients before you invest your hard earned cash.  This puts the ball in her court, but also let’s her know that the information you are passing along is hearsay.  One could argue, I suppose, that you might give your friend a fabricated warning - but that would be lying, and, so not fall under this idea.  Lying is never a good idea, although sometimes it’s okay to not tell the truth.  I’m pretty sure this topic was dealt with earlier…

A Day Without Rumors? How About A Week!

Spreading rumors is wrong.  It is wrong, even if you believe the information to be true.  How sure should you be of the information before spreading it?  Paraphrasing the Talmud, “As sure as you are that it is wrong to have sexual relations with your sister.”  ‘nuff said.

Fight Fairly

He begins with the story of Rabbi Yochanan and Resh Lakish.  Yochanan, a great rebbe, befriended Lakish, who, at the time, was a brigand.  Yochanan was impressed with his intellectual strength as well as his physical stamina.  Lakish became an observant Jew and great scholar.  He eventually married Yochanan’s daughter.  But they had a falling out over an interpretation of Talmud, Yochanan then made a public reference to Lakish’s former life as a brigand.  The two never spoke again, indeed, they both died soon after this event.  They died unreconciled.

The point is - keep the fight to the issue at hand.  Don’t bring up the past if it isn’t relevant to the current situation.  Let the argument be about the matters on the table, not old wounds.  I can only wonder how this might play out given the current events in Israel and Gaza.  Is there any chance that the warring parties might look at the matters at hand, without constantly referring or at least suggesting, that the other party can’t be trusted because of previous actions.  Where might we get to, if they would look at the world as it might be tomorrow, rather than how it was so many yesterdays ago?

Tzedaka Is More Than Charity

Unlike charity, from the Greek caritas, Tzedaka is not a voluntary donation to the needy. As Jews we are OBLIGATED to help the needy. Torah demands that we not turn a hardened heart to our brothers. There will always be needy among us, reminds Deuteronomy. I remember a conversation many years ago with rabbi Gurvis and one of my classes. We were so proud that we gave tzedakah because it made us feel good about ourselves. He told us that was well and good, but fining Tzedaka is an obligation.  The class had ann interesting conversation about obligation v. charity. I still mud remind myself about obligation. Telushkin  quotes Prager who says its great if your heart is into the donation, but until the heart catches up, one is obligated to give anyway. 

Obligation smacks at the soul of feel goodism. Sometimes we have to do it, not because we want to, but simply because it is part of the covenant of being Jewish.  We must reacquaint ourselves with the concept of obligation - it’s not one we’re particularly comfortable with these days.

Why Refraining from Gossip Is An Important Challenge

I love the logic of this. The rabbis teach that it important to refrain from gossip NOT because we find it distasteful. Gossip is FUN. It may damage the others reputation, but the juicier the dish, the more enjoyable. No. We refrain from gossip because refraining is really HARD but it is what God expects of us as an expression of our nobler self. 

I like that.  He also cites the story of the woman who becomes drum and has to give up eating lobster.  She confesses to her rabbi that she still craves lobster.  The rabbi compliments on this, saying, “If you didn’t want lobster, then not eating it would be easy.  The challenge comes from the fact that not eating it is HARD.”  The challenge isn’t in the things that we would never do, but in the things that we want to do and have done, but know that we shouldn’t.  Like the story of yeshivah - we know that we have truly reformed ourselves when, given the opportunity to miss the mark in a way that we have in the past, we chose to not repeat past bad behavior.  We CHOSE to act in a holier way.

Shabbat shalom!

You Shall Not Ill-Treat Any…Orphan

In light of the current political controversy regarding South American children illegally crossing into the US - this one is particularly poignant.  He quotes Maimonides crash on Exodus 22:21 - 23, “A person must be especially heedful of his behavior toward widows and orphans, because their souls are deep depressed and their spirits low.”

Why would a parent send a child, alone, on a journey from South America to the US - knowing the dangers involved, and the likelihood that the children will face terrible hardship in making the trip?  I cannot imagine saying goodbye to my kids under such conditions.  A report on NPR this morning quoted a gentleman saying that, “Alot of these kids are boys, 14, 15, 16, 17 with gang tattoos.  Are these the kind of people we want in our towns?”

It is easy to assume that teenage boys with gang tattoos are going to become teenage boys with criminal records.  But is that reason enough to refuse entrance to ALL of these immigrants?  I can only imagine how my great grandparent might have been labelled, “Jews, they don’t speak any English, they have no skills, they’re COMMUNISTS!”  I find it very difficult to get past this part of the conversation.  Weren’t ALL of our ancestors coming to this country in search of a better life?  Were all of the young men who arrived criminals?  

My great grandmother came over with no “skills” - but she raised her sons, and took in the friends and relatives of other Romanian newcomers;  another set of great grandparents were part of a family that began a chain of clothing stores in western Pennsylvania and Ohio.  Their primary goal in coming to America was to make a better life for the descendants.  Who knows the dreams of the children arriving today?  Who knows what they might achieve, given the chance.

When Confrontation Is Desirable

Leviticus 19:17 says, "do not hate your brother in your heart."  Why, Telushkin wonders, doesn't it simply say, do not hate your brother?

Because, to hate someone in the heart, is to hold a festering hatred.  Like the prayer that rests on our heart, we have to WORK to bring something INTO our hearts.  Don't speak to the other in the heat of anger, but don't let the anger fester.  Be PRESENT to the cause of your anger, and do your. best to work through the anger with the object of your anger. But wait until you have calmed down a bit, or the other person has.  And remember, the verse from Leviticus reminds, that the person we hate is not a stranger, but a brother.  And so we must remember that the stories in beresheit are all about the troubling dynamics of families that hate rather than love.  Hate is easy - it's all about me, and how the other has mistreated me; love requires work, because it requires us to remember the others good and bad points.  Work for the love.

Love the stranger as yourself...maybe this is where Telushkin is taking us.

The Sin That No One Ever Acknowledges

This appeared at the bottom of an e-page.  I don’t know what he’s going to say.  I don’t think it’s an obvious one - lying, cheating, stealing.  Perhaps - not treating yourself with the respect you deserve (or am I just projecting this one)?   And the answer is….

GROUNDLESS HATRED.  

How appropriate this week - 14 days into Operation Protective Edge - ground forces in Gaza, three teenage Israelis dead, one Palestinian burned to death in Israel - groundless hatred.

He cites Talmud that the first Temple was destroyed because we had lost our faith in God - but was rebuilt after 70 years; the second Temple was destroyed because of groundless hatred, and still hasn’t been rebuilt.

Groundless hatred - think of someone you dislike and find SOME positive quality in them.  Let that quality inform your negative ideas about that person.  Again, interesting in light of the current warfare.  How can Israel and Hamas be presented to each other and to the world in such stark contrast and still the world condemns Israel - violent anti-Jewish protests in Paris and Berlin.  Netanyahu says that “Israel protects it’s people with rockets while Hamas protects it’s rockets with people.”  We are told that Hamas stores rockets in or near schools, hospitals, mosques and homes.  How can Israel strike them without some collateral damage?  How can Hamas hope to achieve anything with this?  Again, according to news sources, they used cement to make “terror tunnels” into Israel rather than schools and shelters for the Palestinians in Gaza.  How can they be so cynical?  What if Israel were to take control of Gaza and then pour money into building schools and hospitals and roads and infrastructure.  What then?

Rav Kook is quoted at the end of the lesson, saying, “If the second Temple was destroyed because of causeless hatred, what if the third Temple is built because of causeless love?”

Don’t Pass On Negative Comments

This continues the theme of lashon hara.  He ends the essay with this key message - When no constructive purpose is served by being truthful, peace is valued more highly than truth.

Shalom bayit - peace in the house - is one of Judaism’s honored tenets.  Peace in the house suggests that we must be WHOLE with those in our house.  We have enough day to day mishagas to deal with in the world that, at least at home (at MOST at home?) we should expect a sense of safety and wholeness.  “Peace is valued more highly than truth.”  Such simple, yet powerful words.  Not that truth isn’t important, but we must live with the people in our house, and so must be, and become, sensitive to the moments when truth is important, and moments when peace is important.  If the truth is that important, there will be a time when it can be spoken AND peace in the house can be maintained.

The Jewish Ethics of Speech: What is LaShon Hara

I hope he spends a lot more time on this subject (LaShon Hara) because it is the basis of so much interesting writing.  He notes in this entry two more citations (but not until days in the 300’s!).  LaShon Hara - ‘the evil tongue.’  Includes everything from lying including slander and libel (which pretty much all societies frown upon).  But this particular entry looks at the Jewish injunction to not speak the truth if it is injurious to someone else.

That’s big.  So and so is a liar, cheats on his spouse, abuses his children AND small animals.  While all of this might be TRUE, Jewish law forbids the discussion of this (outside a court of law).  If we KNOW that someone is doing harm to others (or themselves?) are obligated to report it.  He notes that “if you were about to enter a room and heard the people inside talking about you, what you probably would least like to hear them talking about are your character flaws or the intimate details of your social life.  Yet, when we speak of others, these are the things we generally find most interesting to discuss.”

Shalom bayit - the idea of ‘peace in the house’ relates to this idea.  If my wife asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”  The true answer and the correct answer may be two different answers.  It is in these grey areas (as Linus notes in a Peanuts cartoon, “Charlie Brown, I didn’t know that lies come in colors.”) that Jewish writing has much to say - I wish I knew more.

Should A Recovering Alcoholic Drink Wine On Shabbat or At The Seder?

Thankfully, the answer is no.  The kiddish can be said over grape juice.  Boom.  End of story.

Shabbat shalom!

One Must Always Greet Another Person

It was said of Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai that no person ever greeted him first.

Berachot 17a

I am beginning to wonder if all of Rabbi Telushkin’s lessons will teach the same basic idea in 365 varieties - Love your neighbor as yourself.  Again and again I am reminded of how simple and effective this can be - every time I work the counter at Starbucks.

It takes absolutely no effort to make eye contact with each customer, to look them in the eye and really listen to their order.  Over time, these conversations become a little more.  Even the greetings become ‘a little more.’  It’s empowering, the realization that something so simple as a greeting can really make a difference in another person’s day.  Telushkin concludes this one with a story about a rebbe who greeted everyone in his village, including the Christian farmer.  After years in concentration camps, he standing in line, again, he walked up to a table and found himself greeting that same farmer, who now wore an SS uniform.  The farmer greeted him as well, put him in the ‘life’ line, and the rabbi survived the war, “This is the power of a good morning greeting.”

Acting Cheerfully Is Not A Choice

Acting Cheerfully Is Not A Choice

Shammai said, “Receive all people with a cheerful expression.”  Pirke Avot 1:15

I like this one.  Especially on days like today.  First thing in the morning, I got a parking ticket because I forgot to put a quarter in the meter.  Leaving work tonight, I misplaced my wallet.  And you know what, I realize it’s not my wife’s fault, or my son’s fault, or my daughter’s fault - THEY are not the cause of my crappy bookend of a day (the rest of the day was quite good, actually).  

Receive all people with a cheerful expression - not that you should by cloyingly sweet all the time.  Simply remember - people would rather be around someone in a good mood, than someone in a bad mood.  That seems incredibly simple - but oh so hard to remember. As Telushkin says, “The fact that you are feeling unhappy does not entitle you to inflict your mood upon others.”  Perhaps easier said than done, but important to remember, nonetheless.

Give Money When Times Are Hard

There are many citations in Jewish texts of the obligation to give to those less fortunate - regardless of one’s own lack.  He tells the story of Rabbi Akiva and his wife, so poor that they had to sleep on straw.  Elijah came to their door, dressed as a beggar, who told them that his wife was in labor, and they didn’t even have straw for her to lie on.  Rabbi Akiva gave him some of their straw, noting that “this man doesn’t even have the straw that we have.”  The Talmud says that even those who live on charity are obligated to give to charity.

Yes, we can give our time instead of our money.  But there is something in the tangibility of money that is important.  Time is important, too.  But time doesn’t pay the bills.  Time doesn’t buy food or medicine or pay rent.  Once again, Telushkin is talking about the importance of taking care of the other.  Regardless of how little you might have, someone else has less.  My mother grew up in Johnstown, PA.  She was six when The Flood hit.  She talks about having to stay up in the attic for a couple of days, with only franks and beans to eat.  She thought it was a marvelous adventure.  And some of her friends didn’t even have franks and beans.  

Let’s always remember to be thankful for the franks and beans.

When Not Giving Charity Is The Highest Charity

When Not Giving Charity Is The Highest Charity

Considering Maimonides Ladder of Tzedakah, and the idea that the highest form of charity is to help make someone self-sufficient.  This idea is often cited with the African saying, “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.”  Interesting to note Telushkin’s comment that unlike Christianity, Judaism does not esteem poverty.

This reminds me of the quote floating around on FB, attributed to Colbert, paraphrasing, “To say that we live in a Christian nation, while at the same time we refuse to help the poor, suggests that you either don’t really want to be a Christian nation, or have no real understanding of what it mean to be Christian.”

We must help each other.  “Help the other fellow” as Gabe’s camp reminds us.  If ‘the other’ is helped, then so are we, in those times, when we become ‘the other.’

Share Good News / Is A Jew Permitted To Smoke?

Seems like I skipped Friday, so today is a double portion…

Three couples with whom he was working were getting married.  All three met through dating services.  The parents of one couple thought it would be less ‘embarrassing’ for them, if they made up a story about how they met.  Telushkin’s point - why be ashamed of using a dating service if the result is a happy one?  Where is the ‘shame’ in meeting this way.  He compares this to the (then) recent arrival of Viagra, and what a big deal it was for Bob Dole to mention using it.  Sharing good news is important.  Until recently I may have suggested that the  Bob Dole info is TMI, but now I’m wondering if that is more my issue than his.  Anyway - mazal tov to the couples, and to Bob and Elizabeth Dole!

Yes, there is a fair amount of midrash on this topic.  Responsa - rabbinic answers to specific questions.  While back in ‘the olden days’, when smoking first became fashionable (18th Century) - smoking was considered both pleasurable and healthy, and so Jews were encouraged to do it.  Or, at least, not discouraged halachically.  But today, the science is different and opinions about smoking are different.  By today’s standards, those earlier rabbis were wrong.  But a point that Telushkin makes, which I think is very important, is not that early rabbis endorsed smoking - and so they were wrong.  Rather, it is not fair to judge yesterday’s judge’s by today’s standards.  By today’s standards, yesterday’s judges would like sadly naive, but it is not fair to judge that way.  We must look at yesterday’s interpretations through yesterday’s lenses.  THAT is a lesson that I believe certainly bears remembering.

A Gynecologist from New Jersey, A Lawyer From Brooklyn

The Talmud teaches that God began humanity with a single person in order to remind us that every person needs to be treated with infinite value (Mishna, Sanhedrin).

Working at Starbucks and teaching both reinforce this for me, every day.  Treating each person with whom we come into contact with respect and dignity makes each meeting a holy one.  It’s not always possible, and sometimes, not even what I might WANT to do - but every time that I do it, I’m reminded how easy it is.  Like so many of the lessons so far in the book, this one is about treating ‘the other’ with the same dignity and respect that I would like to be treated with.

It takes so little to make a difference in someone’s day.  You never know where that difference might lead.

Visiting The Sick: Seven Suggestions

Telushkin quotes Rabbi Bradley Artson about way to help a sick friend.  From visits, to prayers - the suggestions are all simple, and respectful toward the needs of the sick individual.  Pretty straightforward.

I am intrigued that this is another “two parter” - as no words are wasted in Torah, so too, one must assume, that Telushkin did not waste his words when writing this book.  With a limit of 365 lessons, it means a lot that he spent two of those lessons on visiting the sick.  It is a mitzvah.  We are commanded, obligated, to perform it.  I have always been intrigued by the difference between doing something because it makes you feel ‘good’, as opposed to doing something because you are obligated to do it.  21st century morals would suggest that doing it to feel better (about yourself) might trump the obligation to do it, regardless of how it makes you feel.  Also, it's not about how the doing makes you feel, but how you might not feel like doing.  Do it anyway.  

I think this sense of obligation is important - it reminds us that our actions in the world aren’t about us.  The actions are about helping the world.  We are simply the media through which that help is provided.  It’s not about me.  It’s about helping make the world a better place.  That is, I think, a very important difference to remember.

The Special Obligation to Visit and Help People, Particularly Poor People, Who Are Sick

Telushkin cites the story of Rabbi Akiva, who visited a poor student when no other rabbis would.  The student recovered, and credited his recovery to Rabbi Akiva’s visits.  “Visiting the sick” is a mitzvah that rewards us in the ‘world to come.’  Not only do visits provide tangible results - a hot meal, a clean house, a visit to the doctor; these visits might provide those intangible benefits of human contact - laughter, a gentle touch, companionship.

Were Akiva’s visits the cause of the student’s recovery?  Who can say.  But like the prayer we say before the Amidah, “Prayer may not mend a broken bridge or water a parched field” - to which I always want to add - “But what if it does?”  I still believe that part of the reason the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series was because the fans “Believed”.  All of the energy that went into the universe as a result of Red Sox Nation believing, was, I am confident, no small contributor to the Sox victory.

But the benefit is not just for the visited.  It was my extraordinary blessing to be able to help friends who were suffering through a cancer death.  The experience of helping where and when I could has changed me in ways that I cannot yet put into words.  Being in the home at the time of my friend’s death is something that has made me a stronger person.  I am coming to believe, more and more, in the power of unintended consequences.  We can never know how much of a difference a shared joke, a hug or simple, “how are you?” might make in someone’s life.  

It takes so little effort to make a difference.

Who Is Wise?

Who is wise?  One who foresees the consequences of his own acts.

(Babylonian Talmud)

It is interesting that this is the direction Telushkin goes.  Another tractate answers, "He who learns from everyone."  He goes on to cite Torah and Talmud references that ensure that the physical structures one intends to build are built safely - roofs must be built with parapets, wells and holes with guard rails. Can this be extended to our relationships?  Is it possible for a wise person to foresee  the consequences of his actions upon others?  I don't think so.  Talmud goes on to remind us that "All is known in heaven except for mans will."  We can, and should, always act in a way that we believe is non-injurious to our community, but how can we ever know how our actions will be seen by others?  We act with the best of intentions, but in a sense, I don't think any of us are truly wise in regard to Telushkin's ideal.   

Don't Steal Another Persons Mind

A liberal translation for the idea that you should never make an offer that you know the other cannot accept. Don't offer to split the bill if you will be Offended by the offers acceptance.   The Talmud says that you should not invite a friend to eat with you if you know that he has just eaten.  Can we apply this to current world politics- specifically the meltdown in the Mideast?

Don't make an offer you know the other side can't accept. Could Abbas and Netanyahu seriously negotiate with each other?  Can Israel talk honestly with Iran or the Kurds?  Is there a Palestinian Tal Becker?  

As Long As The Candle Us Still Burning

Quoting a story from the 19th century rabbi, Israel Salanter, about the tailor who would keep mending clothes as long as the candle was still burning.  Especially after the escalating horrors of this week, as long as the candle is still burning, let us find ways to mend relationships with ourselves, friends, family - anyone with whom we need to mend.  It's raining today, hurricane Arthur approaches, driving back from Whole Foods, I passed a drenched stranger and thought about offering him a lift.  I didn't, but is thought about it.  It's a start, I guess.  Shabbat shalom! 

Return Lost Objects

It is a mitzvah to return a lost item to it’s rightful owner.  It is my obligation to do all that I can do in order to achieve that goal.  He quotes Deuteronomy about returning a neighbor’s stray sheep or ox.  “The Torah’s words ‘you must take it back to your fellow’ remind us that keeping an item we have found is not LIKE stealing; it IS stealing.”

Again, this is pretty concrete.  I’m looking for some metaphor.  How do you return another’s innocence or hope?  How do you return someone’s lost passion?  Can my actions be seen as the returning of those items - if I live my life in such a way that I don’t take advantage of someone else’s innocence, or hope?  If I don’t act as if the thing about which someone once was passionate is not worth being passionate about once again?

Return lost objects.  How do you return someone’s belief in themselves or their love?  

Judge the Whole of the Person Favorably

This aphorism, from Pirkei Avot, is usually translated at “Judge everyone favorably,” but by Telushkin’s reckoning, this isn’t accurate.  How does this idea compare with yesterdays?  Yesterday, Telushkin seemed to suggest that it is important to give careful consideration to ‘the other person’ when considering reasons you might feel slighted by the actions of that person.  Today, Telushkin emphatically notes that he is not suggesting that one give a bank robber a position at a bank.  Rather, when considering a person’s behaviors, think about the whole person.  Is she someone who has always been a friend, but in this one instance might have acted imprudently?  Do her positive qualities outweigh her negative ones?  If so, go with the positive.  Similarly, I guess, if someone has often behaved in a socially inappropriate manner, it might take more than one or two good behaviors to demonstrate that she has become a better person.

No one acts in a vacuum - neither in the individual actions, nor in the context of the community as a whole.  It is important to consider the whole of the person’s relationships with the world when considering  their worth.  

Find Excuses for Behavior That Seems Unkind

“In justice you shall judge your neighbor.”  Leviticus 19:15.  

Give your neighbor the benefit of the doubt.  Telushkin quotes a rabbi who meets with a group on a weekly basis to discuss slights they have suffered since the previous meeting - and who come up with reasons that people might not have realized their actions seemed slighting.

Can we push this up to the level of thinking about the kidnappers of the three Israeli teenagers?  What would make someone kidnap and kill someone else?  They looked at the Israelis as occupiers?  They wanted to send some kind of message?  Their own lives were so devoid of hope that they wanted to spread a sense of nihilism into the community?  Do any of these reasons justify the kidnapping and killing of three young men - collateral damage?  Could the presence of a yeshivah in Hebron so outrage certain members of the Hebron community that they felt justified in kidnapping and killing three random young men?  

Where does this end?  And at what point does someone justifiably say, “This and no more.”  When does judge your neighbor in justice become playing the patsy?