Don’t Make People Tell Lies

It is one thing for you to tell a lie.  It is another to cause others to tell lies because of you.  Telushkin gives an interesting example.  If two people are whispering in your presence, then it can be assumed they don’t want you to hear what they are discussing.  If you ask them, they will probably tell you a lie - you are causing them to lie.  Curiosity is one thing - it drives discovery - but we must all be aware of when being curious is appropriate and when it will simply lead us to cause harm to others.  An interesting idea to consider.

Be Fair To Your Enemy

I find this a very powerful teaching, even if he doesn't spend a lot of time with it.  The Book of Proverbs teaches, “If your enemy is hungry - give him bread to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.” (25:21).  As he notes at the end, we are not commanded to love our enemies, but we are commanded to be fair to them.

What a powerful teaching this is, in light of the recently ended (?) Gaza War - a battle in which black was white, and up was down.  

Untamed Anger and the Death of Love

The only time that romantic love is referenced from a woman’s point of view is the love between Michal and David.  Unfortunately, theirs was a childless, angry marriage.  When David conquered Jerusalem and brought the Tabernacle to the city, he danced in the streets with the people.  Michal thought this an undignified way for a king to behave, and told David as much.  Rather than taking a breath, he responded that he was the man who had conquered Jerusalem, unlike her father.  Her father (and brothers) had been recently killed while battling the Philistines.  Telushkin says that the next comment in the Torah is that Michal remained childless throughout her marriage to David.

Anger between people is normal. How we respond to our anger makes all the difference.  David and Michal’s marriage was based on mean spirited arguments (according to Telushkin) - this is a sure way to sour a relationship, even one that began in love.  Be careful how you treat the other - the theme continues to ring true.

Do Not Stand By While Your Neighbor’s Blood Is Shed

This is one of those “WHAT?” jumps.  From not being rude to this - one of the foundational tenets in Leviticus.  As Telushkin points out - Jewish law is based on OBLIGATION, American law is based on rights.  According to American law, we are under no legal obligation to help someone in need; according to Jewish law, not acting puts you in league with Cain, when he asked, “Am I my brother’s keeper.”  Yes, according to Jewish law, you are.  You are not obligated to put your own life in danger, but at the very least - seek help for a victim.  And if you can help someone with little chance of hurting yourself, then jump in and help.

The Little Indecencies That Reveal Character

Don’t.  Be.  Rude.  Lev 19:15 reminds us that “in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor.”  Give the other the benefit of the doubt.  But when the other acts in a demonstrably rude way, be wary of further interactions.  The person who cuts you off in line, or jumps into the cab you hailed.  Give the person the benefit of the doubt (“Maybe he had an emergency and he really needed the cab”), but don’t let yourself be taken advantage of.  

For Whom Was I Named?

This question is the first lesson that I am going to ask to my “Downtown Project” families.  I am meeting the 5 kids for the first time on Sunday, September 14 - and that is the question that I want them to be able to answer, “For whom were you named?”

Telushkin writes that we are a story-telling culture, we pass down our knowledge from one generation to the next through the stories that we tell.  He is saddened by how few people know much of anything about the person for whom they are named.  As he says, if we don’t learn their stories, then their stories die with them, and that is such a loss.

Tomorrow I am going to do my first Temple Shalom interview - “Growing Up Jewish” - it should prove to be a very moving experience.  I have no idea where these stories may lead, but I’m hoping that I’ll hear some wonderful stories.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to pick up steam on this…”For whom was I named?” is a question which might lead to so many wonderful stories.

Help Someone Laugh

This is near and dear to my heart, and for a long time, I didn’t realize the importance of this simple maxim.  I have always been pretty good at making people laugh, but, like Groucho Marx, wouldn’t want to be a member of a club that would have me as a member - making people laugh was somehow frivolous.

But Telushkin quotes a midrash from Ta’anit  Elijah declares that the only two people worthy of a place in the World To Come happen to be two comedians, cheer up the depressed in a local marketplace.

I am reminded of the time nearing the end of Daredreamer.  It had been a long and difficult shoot, and we were nearing the end of the shooting schedule.  We had a particularly tricky day set up, and the production manager was a bit worried about a late afternoon shot in an ‘iffy’ location.  But when she looked at the schedule and saw that I was going to be on set at that particular location, she told me that she was relieved, because I had the ability to keep things moving and light as a result of having a good sense of humor.

I had never really experienced this kind of endorsement before.  My sense of humor could be of value?  Why hadn’t that ever been pointed out (or maybe I simply  hadn't heard it).  Anyway - that simple comment has had a powerful impact on the past 30 years.

Telushkin reminds us that Ecclesiastes points us that there is a time to weep and a time to laugh (3:4), “and sometimes, there is a time to make others laugh.”

Don’t Charge Interest

Much antisemitism is rooted in the cliched depiction of the Jew as usurer.  Shylock being the most famous example in literature.  But Jews are forbidden to loan money with interest to other Jews when necessities are involved.  Business loans are a different matter - Orthodox Jews have created a transaction called the heter iska (“permission to do business”) under which the loaner given a ‘fair’ percentage of the profits of the business, even if the business doesn’t make a profit.  

But  a loan to an Israelite, a  Jew, a member of the tribe, for something essential - food, clothing, housing - for that kind of loan, charging interest isn’t permitted.  In fact, according to Telushkin, this kind of loan is considered to be the highest form of gemilut hesed, an act of kindness.

The Most Unusual Of Blessings

There is a blessing that we are supposed to say each time we go to the bathroom.  It is a prayer, also said during morning prayers, thanking God for creating our bodies with openings and cavities, and thanking God opening and closing our bodies at the right time.  We realize how difficult life would be if these openings were to fail us.

Nothing would make a 10 year old giggle quicker than saying a prayer after pooping.  Telushkin suggests that it’s until we’re adults, and have seen the difficulties our parents might have “being regular” that we appreciate the importance of this prayer (and the miracle of our bodies).

This may be one time that Telushkin doesn’t focus on the other, but focuses entirely on our selves.  

Declaring A “Complaining Fast”

Ta’anit dibur  - a speech fast.  Some sages would engage in them as a way to refrain form inappropriate speech or as a way to focus the mind.  Telushkin suggests that complaining makes us unhappy (or unhappier than we might otherwise be), as it focuses us on the negative.  He paraphrases Dennis Prager who says that many people are unhappy unless they have a reason to be happy.  Praeger wonders why we don’t default to being HAPPY unless we have a reason to be unhappy.

As Americans we have so much to be thankful for (lot’s to complain about as well, but let’s begin from the point of thankfulness).  Living in the suburbs of Boston, I have very little to complain about, and yet…I’m going to try to work Praeger’s philosophy into my life - default to happiness unless there’s a reason to be unhappy.  Starting…now.

When, If Ever, Is It Permitted to Lie? (3)

For reasons of humility, privacy and so as not to harm another.  These are, according to Telushkin, the only times that a religious scholar (and by extension, all of us), are permitted to bend the truth.  Again, these, as seemingly all of his discussions, are about our relationship to ‘the other.’   As David Mamet has said, “Tell the truth, it’s the easiest story to remember.”

When, If Ever, Is It Permitted to Lie? Judaism and White Lies

Telushkin references a number of times that white lies are told in the Torah.  He includes Sarah laughing when she is overhears that she will soon bear a child.  She comments that she, herself, is withered, and her husband is old.  God relates this story to Abraham, leaving out the part about Abraham being old.  “Great is peace, seeing that for its sake, even God modified the truth.” (Yevamot 65b)

Hillel and Shammai disagree about what to tell a bride.  Hillel insists that ALL brides are beautiful, Shammai insists that each bride must be taken individually.  Talmud sides with Hillel, but notes Shammai disagreement.

As Telushkin says, “Before you tell a truth that can cause only pain and inflict gratuitous hurt, ask yourself WHY you should tell it.  There are indeed times when a pretty lie is preferable to an ugly truth.”

Keep Faraway From Falsehood

Not simply, do not lie (although that is one of the Ten Sayings), but keep faraway from falsehood.  Falsehood can mean exaggeration - the salesman who knowingly exaggerates the value of of a product is obligated to return the purchase price to the buyer if the product does not live up to expectation.  Like building a fence around the Torah, we should distance ourselves from the possibility of lying by keeping away from falsehood.

I am reminded that the first question we will be asked in heavens according to the Talmud is, "Were you honest in your business dealings?"  This topic keeps is in the thorny brush of is there a difference between not lying and telling the truth.  Parents are reminded not to lie to their children, lest the children learn to lie from their parents behavior.  Telushkin reminds us of the Yiddish proverb, "A half truth is a whole lie."

Treat the other honestly.  How different might the world be if we lived according to that idea? 

Enjoy! Enjoy!

Enjoy!  Enjoy!

Is it alright to enjoy the pleasures of the world while others are suffering?  YES!  As long as you live your life morally.  Telushkin suggests that we are advised to tithe precisely so that we can use the rest of our money for the things WE want and need.  Without the principle of tithing, we might not enjoy anything - because others are suffering.  Talmud suggests that is wrong to not partake in things which are not forbidden.  In other words, don't say "No" only because others can't.  If it isn't forbidden, and the opportunity presents itself - do it.  

Who Is Rich

Who Is Rich

Rabbi Ben Zoma, "He who is happy with what he has."  Rabbi Tarfon answered the question literally, "He who has 100 vineyards, etc etc". So,ermines, the question isn't as literal as it sounds. Just like good movies (and good improv) isn't about the scene, but about the relationship win the scene.

ET isn't about a kid and an alien, but about a kid who feels abandoned with the divorce of his parents.  Chef is about a chef getting his groove back, but it's more about a father establishing a relationship with his son.  

Sometimes, before you answer the question, make sure that you understand what the question is really asking.

Cite Your Sources

Whoever repeats a statement in the name of the one who said it, brings redemption to the world.

          Pirkei Avot

Not giving credit for another’s idea is stealing.  When we present an idea, there are, according to Telushkin, two reasons for doing so.  We may be trying to impress the group with our intelligence, or we may be trying to add an idea we heard somewhere else.  If the idea is someone else’s, share - but give credit.  Otherwise you are “stealing the mind” of the other.

This one seems pretty straightforward.  But I am glad to know that our ancestors were thinking about this 2,000 years ago.

Everybody Deserves A “Tenk You.”

It bothers Telushkin when people treat service personnel (waiters, bartenders, etc) like invisible robots.  The “tenk you” is from a time he was driving with a well known European rabbi.  After a long wait in the toll line, he drove away.  The rabbi turned to him and said, “You didn’t say tenk you.”

Speaking from the other side of the counter, all customers deserve a smile and eye contact.  It never ceases to amaze me who easy it is to make someone smile when I’m on the register at Starbucks.  It doesn’t take anymore time to be polite and courteous - in fact, it might take less time.  Dour service people tend to mumble, often requiring a repeated question.  Just smile (and mean it…)  But even if you don’t mean it, you can still smile.

Treat the other person the way that you would like to be treated.

Don’t Buy Products Made By Exploited Workers

So simple, but…I love all of my Apple products.  What about the clothing I buy from LL Bean - am I sure that those are made by properly paid, properly protected workers?  No.  I could do the research and find out - but I guess I’m too lazy.  This one is so simple, but…honestly, I don’t think about it that much.  I know that I should, but I don’t.

Maybe I should start?

Standing Up For Justice

Moses - killed the Egyptian beating an Israelite slave, tried to make peace between two battling Israelites, fled to Midian and defended female shepards against marauding male shepards.  Use multiple strategies in standing up for justice.

Is standing for justice the same as standing against injustice?  Justice, justice shall you pursue we are reminded in the middle of Deuteronomy.  Is telling a lie the same as not telling the truth?  Is telling the truth the same as not lying?  Is doing right the same as not doing wrong; or doing wrong the same as not doing right?  

Telushkin continues, 60 days into the reading, to hammer home the idea that we are obligated to help the other, especially the stranger and the weakest among us.

The Torah On The Blind and the Deaf

Lev 19:14  

You shall not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block in front of the blind.  You shall fear your God.

Telushkin begins by pointing out that cursing the deaf and ‘tripping up’ the blind is easy - the victim does not know who perpetrated the action.  BUT GOD WILL KNOW - and that is why you must fear (or stand in awe of) your God.

What caught my attention in his discussion was not the literal importance of this commandment - clearly it is cruel to perpetrate these actions, but the implication that by legislating AGAINST them, many people were guilty of doing them.  Why, Telushkin asks, would you make an injunction against an action that didn’t occur.

For me, this casts the 10 Commandments in a new light.  People don’t respect God, the Sabbath or their parents, they create graven images to which they bow down, they lie, they murder, they covet, they commit adultery.  Tin other word, the community 3,000 years ago was no different than the community today.

It is STILL difficult to act in a just and righteous way.  WHY?  Because it is so much easier NOT to.  What’s a little cheat, here and there?  A little gossip?  A little worship of ‘idols’?  Look around - everyone is doing it.  I don’t see too many people being punished (well, maybe the weak, the blind and the deaf)  But hey - it’s not me!

And that is precisely the point that I keep seeing.  It’s not me.  It’s the other.  And as long as I consider the other to be the other, then - it’s not me.  It’s not US.  It’s them.  What will it take to make the world a world of us?  Are we close to some unspeakable horror (as if there haven’t been enough already, too many to count) that will finally get everyone’s attention?  War in Gaza?  Ebola?  Climate change?  Syrian civil war?  Shooting down of Malaysian flight over Ukraine?  Incursion into the Ukraine?  ISIS?  ‘Shootings in Chicago?  How many more that I can’t name off the top of my head.

What will it take?  What will it take?

Lev 19:14  

You shall not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block in front of the blind.  You shall fear your God.

Telushkin begins by pointing out that cursing the deaf and ‘tripping up’ the blind is easy - the victim does not know who perpetrated the action.  BUT GOD WILL KNOW - and that is why you must fear (or stand in awe of) your God.

What caught my attention in his discussion was not the literal importance of this commandment - clearly it is cruel to perpetrate these actions, but the implication that by legislating AGAINST them, many people were guilty of doing them.  Why, Telushkin asks, would you make an injunction against an action that didn’t occur.

For me, this casts the 10 Commandments in a new light.  People don’t respect God, the Sabbath or their parents, they create graven images to which they bow down, they lie, they murder, they covet, they commit adultery.  Tin other word, the community 3,000 years ago was no different than the community today.

It is STILL difficult to act in a just and righteous way.  WHY?  Because it is so much easier NOT to.  What’s a little cheat, here and there?  A little gossip?  A little worship of ‘idols’?  Look around - everyone is doing it.  I don’t see too many people being punished (well, maybe the weak, the blind and the deaf)  But hey - it’s not me!

And that is precisely the point that I keep seeing.  It’s not me.  It’s the other.  And as long as I consider the other to be the other, then - it’s not me.  It’s not US.  It’s them.  What will it take to make the world a world of us?  Are we close to some unspeakable horror (as if there haven’t been enough already, too many to count) that will finally get everyone’s attention?  War in Gaza?  Ebola?  Climate change?  Syrian civil war?  Shooting down of Malaysian flight over Ukraine?  Incursion into the Ukraine?  ISIS?  ‘Shootings in Chicago?  How many more that I can’t name off the top of my head.

What will it take?  What will it take?

Love The Stranger

In so many ways - this seems to be the message of the book to this point.  Telushkin keeps making reference to the obligations that we have to take care of those who are in positions of weakness; whether as a stranger in a community, a child, someone sick.  In this piece, he couldn’t be any more explicit.  “When a stranger resides with you in your land, you shall not wrong him.  (Lev 19:33).  This verse follows closely after “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

But the stranger is not a neighbor, in this case - the stranger was outside the clan, the religion, the people.  Telushkin quotes the 19th C German philosopher Hermann Cohen, “In the stranger, man discovered the idea of humanity.”

It takes the other to define who we are.  We are obligated to find ways to “ensure that people are treated equally before the law’ - whether they are immigrants from South America or Palestinians in Gaza.  The problems arise precisely because this is so difficult - to treat the powerless with the same respect that we treat the powerful.  

I am intrigued to see how many other ways Telushkin will be able to make this point.

Learning From The Bad To Do Good

As Jews, we have often found ourselves in positions of deference - leaving the slavery of Egypt, we were taught not to mistreat the stranger amongst us, because we were slaves in Egypt.  We might have been taught the lesson, “Do it to him, before he does it to you.”  But that is NOT the lesson of Torah.  BECAUSE we have been slaves, we must remember to help the less fortunate.  It is an interesting lesson, certainly not the assumed lesson.  It’s not turning the other cheek to your enemy, but it might be, as Amos Oz suggests in a recent interview with a German magazine, that we offer peace and statehood to The West Bank, and then infuse them with money and supplies.  Make it possible for the Palestinians of the West Bank to succeed, and then see if the Palestinians of Gaza rise up against Hamas…

Do good.  Sometimes it’s grey, and sometimes it’s complicated, but do good whenever possible.  Shabbat shalom!

Some Thoughts for A Bar Or Bat Mitzvah

Becoming a bar or bat mitzvah is more than celebrating your first aliyah.  Becoming an adult in the eyes of the Jewish world, means taking on some of the responsibilities of becoming an adult.  Telushkin suggests, via Rabbi Jeffrey Salkind, that we begin celebrating our coming of age the year before the ‘celebration’ by taking on some mitzvoth which demonstrate basic Jewish values - visiting the sick, helping out in a food pantry, donating to a worthy cause (whether time or money).

For Reva’s ‘mitzvah’, she and I began cooking once every other month at Second Church in Newton.  That was 10 years ago.  We did it maybe 4 or 5 times that year, I’ve continued to do it 4 or 5 times a year  ever since.  It’s such an easy way to spend a couple of hours helping out ‘the other.’  I love to cook.  Cooking for 100 people reminds me how blessed I am to be able to cook for 2 or 3 or 4 (or a few more).  Nothing is more life giving for me than cooking.  

I recently suggested to both of my children (23 and 19) that they think about taking a small part of their weekly salaries and make a donation.  We’ll see what those seeds might grow into.

When Is It Appropriate to Pass On A Rumor?

A friend has said that she is going to invest with a certain money manager about whom you have heard negative things.  But you don’t know for SURE that those things are true or not.  Should you remain silent?  Telushkin suggests that there is an ethical and unethical way to pass along hearsay information.  Say to your friend that you have heard that So-and-so’s record is a bit spotty, maybe it would be wise to check with a couple of his clients before you invest your hard earned cash.  This puts the ball in her court, but also let’s her know that the information you are passing along is hearsay.  One could argue, I suppose, that you might give your friend a fabricated warning - but that would be lying, and, so not fall under this idea.  Lying is never a good idea, although sometimes it’s okay to not tell the truth.  I’m pretty sure this topic was dealt with earlier…

A Day Without Rumors? How About A Week!

Spreading rumors is wrong.  It is wrong, even if you believe the information to be true.  How sure should you be of the information before spreading it?  Paraphrasing the Talmud, “As sure as you are that it is wrong to have sexual relations with your sister.”  ‘nuff said.

Fight Fairly

He begins with the story of Rabbi Yochanan and Resh Lakish.  Yochanan, a great rebbe, befriended Lakish, who, at the time, was a brigand.  Yochanan was impressed with his intellectual strength as well as his physical stamina.  Lakish became an observant Jew and great scholar.  He eventually married Yochanan’s daughter.  But they had a falling out over an interpretation of Talmud, Yochanan then made a public reference to Lakish’s former life as a brigand.  The two never spoke again, indeed, they both died soon after this event.  They died unreconciled.

The point is - keep the fight to the issue at hand.  Don’t bring up the past if it isn’t relevant to the current situation.  Let the argument be about the matters on the table, not old wounds.  I can only wonder how this might play out given the current events in Israel and Gaza.  Is there any chance that the warring parties might look at the matters at hand, without constantly referring or at least suggesting, that the other party can’t be trusted because of previous actions.  Where might we get to, if they would look at the world as it might be tomorrow, rather than how it was so many yesterdays ago?

Tzedaka Is More Than Charity

Unlike charity, from the Greek caritas, Tzedaka is not a voluntary donation to the needy. As Jews we are OBLIGATED to help the needy. Torah demands that we not turn a hardened heart to our brothers. There will always be needy among us, reminds Deuteronomy. I remember a conversation many years ago with rabbi Gurvis and one of my classes. We were so proud that we gave tzedakah because it made us feel good about ourselves. He told us that was well and good, but fining Tzedaka is an obligation.  The class had ann interesting conversation about obligation v. charity. I still mud remind myself about obligation. Telushkin  quotes Prager who says its great if your heart is into the donation, but until the heart catches up, one is obligated to give anyway. 

Obligation smacks at the soul of feel goodism. Sometimes we have to do it, not because we want to, but simply because it is part of the covenant of being Jewish.  We must reacquaint ourselves with the concept of obligation - it’s not one we’re particularly comfortable with these days.

Why Refraining from Gossip Is An Important Challenge

I love the logic of this. The rabbis teach that it important to refrain from gossip NOT because we find it distasteful. Gossip is FUN. It may damage the others reputation, but the juicier the dish, the more enjoyable. No. We refrain from gossip because refraining is really HARD but it is what God expects of us as an expression of our nobler self. 

I like that.  He also cites the story of the woman who becomes drum and has to give up eating lobster.  She confesses to her rabbi that she still craves lobster.  The rabbi compliments on this, saying, “If you didn’t want lobster, then not eating it would be easy.  The challenge comes from the fact that not eating it is HARD.”  The challenge isn’t in the things that we would never do, but in the things that we want to do and have done, but know that we shouldn’t.  Like the story of yeshivah - we know that we have truly reformed ourselves when, given the opportunity to miss the mark in a way that we have in the past, we chose to not repeat past bad behavior.  We CHOSE to act in a holier way.

Shabbat shalom!

You Shall Not Ill-Treat Any…Orphan

In light of the current political controversy regarding South American children illegally crossing into the US - this one is particularly poignant.  He quotes Maimonides crash on Exodus 22:21 - 23, “A person must be especially heedful of his behavior toward widows and orphans, because their souls are deep depressed and their spirits low.”

Why would a parent send a child, alone, on a journey from South America to the US - knowing the dangers involved, and the likelihood that the children will face terrible hardship in making the trip?  I cannot imagine saying goodbye to my kids under such conditions.  A report on NPR this morning quoted a gentleman saying that, “Alot of these kids are boys, 14, 15, 16, 17 with gang tattoos.  Are these the kind of people we want in our towns?”

It is easy to assume that teenage boys with gang tattoos are going to become teenage boys with criminal records.  But is that reason enough to refuse entrance to ALL of these immigrants?  I can only imagine how my great grandparent might have been labelled, “Jews, they don’t speak any English, they have no skills, they’re COMMUNISTS!”  I find it very difficult to get past this part of the conversation.  Weren’t ALL of our ancestors coming to this country in search of a better life?  Were all of the young men who arrived criminals?  

My great grandmother came over with no “skills” - but she raised her sons, and took in the friends and relatives of other Romanian newcomers;  another set of great grandparents were part of a family that began a chain of clothing stores in western Pennsylvania and Ohio.  Their primary goal in coming to America was to make a better life for the descendants.  Who knows the dreams of the children arriving today?  Who knows what they might achieve, given the chance.

When Confrontation Is Desirable

Leviticus 19:17 says, "do not hate your brother in your heart."  Why, Telushkin wonders, doesn't it simply say, do not hate your brother?

Because, to hate someone in the heart, is to hold a festering hatred.  Like the prayer that rests on our heart, we have to WORK to bring something INTO our hearts.  Don't speak to the other in the heat of anger, but don't let the anger fester.  Be PRESENT to the cause of your anger, and do your. best to work through the anger with the object of your anger. But wait until you have calmed down a bit, or the other person has.  And remember, the verse from Leviticus reminds, that the person we hate is not a stranger, but a brother.  And so we must remember that the stories in beresheit are all about the troubling dynamics of families that hate rather than love.  Hate is easy - it's all about me, and how the other has mistreated me; love requires work, because it requires us to remember the others good and bad points.  Work for the love.

Love the stranger as yourself...maybe this is where Telushkin is taking us.

The Sin That No One Ever Acknowledges

This appeared at the bottom of an e-page.  I don’t know what he’s going to say.  I don’t think it’s an obvious one - lying, cheating, stealing.  Perhaps - not treating yourself with the respect you deserve (or am I just projecting this one)?   And the answer is….

GROUNDLESS HATRED.  

How appropriate this week - 14 days into Operation Protective Edge - ground forces in Gaza, three teenage Israelis dead, one Palestinian burned to death in Israel - groundless hatred.

He cites Talmud that the first Temple was destroyed because we had lost our faith in God - but was rebuilt after 70 years; the second Temple was destroyed because of groundless hatred, and still hasn’t been rebuilt.

Groundless hatred - think of someone you dislike and find SOME positive quality in them.  Let that quality inform your negative ideas about that person.  Again, interesting in light of the current warfare.  How can Israel and Hamas be presented to each other and to the world in such stark contrast and still the world condemns Israel - violent anti-Jewish protests in Paris and Berlin.  Netanyahu says that “Israel protects it’s people with rockets while Hamas protects it’s rockets with people.”  We are told that Hamas stores rockets in or near schools, hospitals, mosques and homes.  How can Israel strike them without some collateral damage?  How can Hamas hope to achieve anything with this?  Again, according to news sources, they used cement to make “terror tunnels” into Israel rather than schools and shelters for the Palestinians in Gaza.  How can they be so cynical?  What if Israel were to take control of Gaza and then pour money into building schools and hospitals and roads and infrastructure.  What then?

Rav Kook is quoted at the end of the lesson, saying, “If the second Temple was destroyed because of causeless hatred, what if the third Temple is built because of causeless love?”

Don’t Pass On Negative Comments

This continues the theme of lashon hara.  He ends the essay with this key message - When no constructive purpose is served by being truthful, peace is valued more highly than truth.

Shalom bayit - peace in the house - is one of Judaism’s honored tenets.  Peace in the house suggests that we must be WHOLE with those in our house.  We have enough day to day mishagas to deal with in the world that, at least at home (at MOST at home?) we should expect a sense of safety and wholeness.  “Peace is valued more highly than truth.”  Such simple, yet powerful words.  Not that truth isn’t important, but we must live with the people in our house, and so must be, and become, sensitive to the moments when truth is important, and moments when peace is important.  If the truth is that important, there will be a time when it can be spoken AND peace in the house can be maintained.

The Jewish Ethics of Speech: What is LaShon Hara

I hope he spends a lot more time on this subject (LaShon Hara) because it is the basis of so much interesting writing.  He notes in this entry two more citations (but not until days in the 300’s!).  LaShon Hara - ‘the evil tongue.’  Includes everything from lying including slander and libel (which pretty much all societies frown upon).  But this particular entry looks at the Jewish injunction to not speak the truth if it is injurious to someone else.

That’s big.  So and so is a liar, cheats on his spouse, abuses his children AND small animals.  While all of this might be TRUE, Jewish law forbids the discussion of this (outside a court of law).  If we KNOW that someone is doing harm to others (or themselves?) are obligated to report it.  He notes that “if you were about to enter a room and heard the people inside talking about you, what you probably would least like to hear them talking about are your character flaws or the intimate details of your social life.  Yet, when we speak of others, these are the things we generally find most interesting to discuss.”

Shalom bayit - the idea of ‘peace in the house’ relates to this idea.  If my wife asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”  The true answer and the correct answer may be two different answers.  It is in these grey areas (as Linus notes in a Peanuts cartoon, “Charlie Brown, I didn’t know that lies come in colors.”) that Jewish writing has much to say - I wish I knew more.

Should A Recovering Alcoholic Drink Wine On Shabbat or At The Seder?

Thankfully, the answer is no.  The kiddish can be said over grape juice.  Boom.  End of story.

Shabbat shalom!

One Must Always Greet Another Person

It was said of Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai that no person ever greeted him first.

Berachot 17a

I am beginning to wonder if all of Rabbi Telushkin’s lessons will teach the same basic idea in 365 varieties - Love your neighbor as yourself.  Again and again I am reminded of how simple and effective this can be - every time I work the counter at Starbucks.

It takes absolutely no effort to make eye contact with each customer, to look them in the eye and really listen to their order.  Over time, these conversations become a little more.  Even the greetings become ‘a little more.’  It’s empowering, the realization that something so simple as a greeting can really make a difference in another person’s day.  Telushkin concludes this one with a story about a rebbe who greeted everyone in his village, including the Christian farmer.  After years in concentration camps, he standing in line, again, he walked up to a table and found himself greeting that same farmer, who now wore an SS uniform.  The farmer greeted him as well, put him in the ‘life’ line, and the rabbi survived the war, “This is the power of a good morning greeting.”

Acting Cheerfully Is Not A Choice

Acting Cheerfully Is Not A Choice

Shammai said, “Receive all people with a cheerful expression.”  Pirke Avot 1:15

I like this one.  Especially on days like today.  First thing in the morning, I got a parking ticket because I forgot to put a quarter in the meter.  Leaving work tonight, I misplaced my wallet.  And you know what, I realize it’s not my wife’s fault, or my son’s fault, or my daughter’s fault - THEY are not the cause of my crappy bookend of a day (the rest of the day was quite good, actually).  

Receive all people with a cheerful expression - not that you should by cloyingly sweet all the time.  Simply remember - people would rather be around someone in a good mood, than someone in a bad mood.  That seems incredibly simple - but oh so hard to remember. As Telushkin says, “The fact that you are feeling unhappy does not entitle you to inflict your mood upon others.”  Perhaps easier said than done, but important to remember, nonetheless.

Give Money When Times Are Hard

There are many citations in Jewish texts of the obligation to give to those less fortunate - regardless of one’s own lack.  He tells the story of Rabbi Akiva and his wife, so poor that they had to sleep on straw.  Elijah came to their door, dressed as a beggar, who told them that his wife was in labor, and they didn’t even have straw for her to lie on.  Rabbi Akiva gave him some of their straw, noting that “this man doesn’t even have the straw that we have.”  The Talmud says that even those who live on charity are obligated to give to charity.

Yes, we can give our time instead of our money.  But there is something in the tangibility of money that is important.  Time is important, too.  But time doesn’t pay the bills.  Time doesn’t buy food or medicine or pay rent.  Once again, Telushkin is talking about the importance of taking care of the other.  Regardless of how little you might have, someone else has less.  My mother grew up in Johnstown, PA.  She was six when The Flood hit.  She talks about having to stay up in the attic for a couple of days, with only franks and beans to eat.  She thought it was a marvelous adventure.  And some of her friends didn’t even have franks and beans.  

Let’s always remember to be thankful for the franks and beans.

When Not Giving Charity Is The Highest Charity

When Not Giving Charity Is The Highest Charity

Considering Maimonides Ladder of Tzedakah, and the idea that the highest form of charity is to help make someone self-sufficient.  This idea is often cited with the African saying, “Give a man a fish, feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime.”  Interesting to note Telushkin’s comment that unlike Christianity, Judaism does not esteem poverty.

This reminds me of the quote floating around on FB, attributed to Colbert, paraphrasing, “To say that we live in a Christian nation, while at the same time we refuse to help the poor, suggests that you either don’t really want to be a Christian nation, or have no real understanding of what it mean to be Christian.”

We must help each other.  “Help the other fellow” as Gabe’s camp reminds us.  If ‘the other’ is helped, then so are we, in those times, when we become ‘the other.’

Share Good News / Is A Jew Permitted To Smoke?

Seems like I skipped Friday, so today is a double portion…

Three couples with whom he was working were getting married.  All three met through dating services.  The parents of one couple thought it would be less ‘embarrassing’ for them, if they made up a story about how they met.  Telushkin’s point - why be ashamed of using a dating service if the result is a happy one?  Where is the ‘shame’ in meeting this way.  He compares this to the (then) recent arrival of Viagra, and what a big deal it was for Bob Dole to mention using it.  Sharing good news is important.  Until recently I may have suggested that the  Bob Dole info is TMI, but now I’m wondering if that is more my issue than his.  Anyway - mazal tov to the couples, and to Bob and Elizabeth Dole!

Yes, there is a fair amount of midrash on this topic.  Responsa - rabbinic answers to specific questions.  While back in ‘the olden days’, when smoking first became fashionable (18th Century) - smoking was considered both pleasurable and healthy, and so Jews were encouraged to do it.  Or, at least, not discouraged halachically.  But today, the science is different and opinions about smoking are different.  By today’s standards, those earlier rabbis were wrong.  But a point that Telushkin makes, which I think is very important, is not that early rabbis endorsed smoking - and so they were wrong.  Rather, it is not fair to judge yesterday’s judge’s by today’s standards.  By today’s standards, yesterday’s judges would like sadly naive, but it is not fair to judge that way.  We must look at yesterday’s interpretations through yesterday’s lenses.  THAT is a lesson that I believe certainly bears remembering.

A Gynecologist from New Jersey, A Lawyer From Brooklyn

The Talmud teaches that God began humanity with a single person in order to remind us that every person needs to be treated with infinite value (Mishna, Sanhedrin).

Working at Starbucks and teaching both reinforce this for me, every day.  Treating each person with whom we come into contact with respect and dignity makes each meeting a holy one.  It’s not always possible, and sometimes, not even what I might WANT to do - but every time that I do it, I’m reminded how easy it is.  Like so many of the lessons so far in the book, this one is about treating ‘the other’ with the same dignity and respect that I would like to be treated with.

It takes so little to make a difference in someone’s day.  You never know where that difference might lead.

Visiting The Sick: Seven Suggestions

Telushkin quotes Rabbi Bradley Artson about way to help a sick friend.  From visits, to prayers - the suggestions are all simple, and respectful toward the needs of the sick individual.  Pretty straightforward.

I am intrigued that this is another “two parter” - as no words are wasted in Torah, so too, one must assume, that Telushkin did not waste his words when writing this book.  With a limit of 365 lessons, it means a lot that he spent two of those lessons on visiting the sick.  It is a mitzvah.  We are commanded, obligated, to perform it.  I have always been intrigued by the difference between doing something because it makes you feel ‘good’, as opposed to doing something because you are obligated to do it.  21st century morals would suggest that doing it to feel better (about yourself) might trump the obligation to do it, regardless of how it makes you feel.  Also, it's not about how the doing makes you feel, but how you might not feel like doing.  Do it anyway.  

I think this sense of obligation is important - it reminds us that our actions in the world aren’t about us.  The actions are about helping the world.  We are simply the media through which that help is provided.  It’s not about me.  It’s about helping make the world a better place.  That is, I think, a very important difference to remember.

The Special Obligation to Visit and Help People, Particularly Poor People, Who Are Sick

Telushkin cites the story of Rabbi Akiva, who visited a poor student when no other rabbis would.  The student recovered, and credited his recovery to Rabbi Akiva’s visits.  “Visiting the sick” is a mitzvah that rewards us in the ‘world to come.’  Not only do visits provide tangible results - a hot meal, a clean house, a visit to the doctor; these visits might provide those intangible benefits of human contact - laughter, a gentle touch, companionship.

Were Akiva’s visits the cause of the student’s recovery?  Who can say.  But like the prayer we say before the Amidah, “Prayer may not mend a broken bridge or water a parched field” - to which I always want to add - “But what if it does?”  I still believe that part of the reason the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series was because the fans “Believed”.  All of the energy that went into the universe as a result of Red Sox Nation believing, was, I am confident, no small contributor to the Sox victory.

But the benefit is not just for the visited.  It was my extraordinary blessing to be able to help friends who were suffering through a cancer death.  The experience of helping where and when I could has changed me in ways that I cannot yet put into words.  Being in the home at the time of my friend’s death is something that has made me a stronger person.  I am coming to believe, more and more, in the power of unintended consequences.  We can never know how much of a difference a shared joke, a hug or simple, “how are you?” might make in someone’s life.  

It takes so little effort to make a difference.

Who Is Wise?

Who is wise?  One who foresees the consequences of his own acts.

(Babylonian Talmud)

It is interesting that this is the direction Telushkin goes.  Another tractate answers, "He who learns from everyone."  He goes on to cite Torah and Talmud references that ensure that the physical structures one intends to build are built safely - roofs must be built with parapets, wells and holes with guard rails. Can this be extended to our relationships?  Is it possible for a wise person to foresee  the consequences of his actions upon others?  I don't think so.  Talmud goes on to remind us that "All is known in heaven except for mans will."  We can, and should, always act in a way that we believe is non-injurious to our community, but how can we ever know how our actions will be seen by others?  We act with the best of intentions, but in a sense, I don't think any of us are truly wise in regard to Telushkin's ideal.   

Don't Steal Another Persons Mind

A liberal translation for the idea that you should never make an offer that you know the other cannot accept. Don't offer to split the bill if you will be Offended by the offers acceptance.   The Talmud says that you should not invite a friend to eat with you if you know that he has just eaten.  Can we apply this to current world politics- specifically the meltdown in the Mideast?

Don't make an offer you know the other side can't accept. Could Abbas and Netanyahu seriously negotiate with each other?  Can Israel talk honestly with Iran or the Kurds?  Is there a Palestinian Tal Becker?  

As Long As The Candle Us Still Burning

Quoting a story from the 19th century rabbi, Israel Salanter, about the tailor who would keep mending clothes as long as the candle was still burning.  Especially after the escalating horrors of this week, as long as the candle is still burning, let us find ways to mend relationships with ourselves, friends, family - anyone with whom we need to mend.  It's raining today, hurricane Arthur approaches, driving back from Whole Foods, I passed a drenched stranger and thought about offering him a lift.  I didn't, but is thought about it.  It's a start, I guess.  Shabbat shalom! 

Return Lost Objects

It is a mitzvah to return a lost item to it’s rightful owner.  It is my obligation to do all that I can do in order to achieve that goal.  He quotes Deuteronomy about returning a neighbor’s stray sheep or ox.  “The Torah’s words ‘you must take it back to your fellow’ remind us that keeping an item we have found is not LIKE stealing; it IS stealing.”

Again, this is pretty concrete.  I’m looking for some metaphor.  How do you return another’s innocence or hope?  How do you return someone’s lost passion?  Can my actions be seen as the returning of those items - if I live my life in such a way that I don’t take advantage of someone else’s innocence, or hope?  If I don’t act as if the thing about which someone once was passionate is not worth being passionate about once again?

Return lost objects.  How do you return someone’s belief in themselves or their love?  

Judge the Whole of the Person Favorably

This aphorism, from Pirkei Avot, is usually translated at “Judge everyone favorably,” but by Telushkin’s reckoning, this isn’t accurate.  How does this idea compare with yesterdays?  Yesterday, Telushkin seemed to suggest that it is important to give careful consideration to ‘the other person’ when considering reasons you might feel slighted by the actions of that person.  Today, Telushkin emphatically notes that he is not suggesting that one give a bank robber a position at a bank.  Rather, when considering a person’s behaviors, think about the whole person.  Is she someone who has always been a friend, but in this one instance might have acted imprudently?  Do her positive qualities outweigh her negative ones?  If so, go with the positive.  Similarly, I guess, if someone has often behaved in a socially inappropriate manner, it might take more than one or two good behaviors to demonstrate that she has become a better person.

No one acts in a vacuum - neither in the individual actions, nor in the context of the community as a whole.  It is important to consider the whole of the person’s relationships with the world when considering  their worth.  

Find Excuses for Behavior That Seems Unkind

“In justice you shall judge your neighbor.”  Leviticus 19:15.  

Give your neighbor the benefit of the doubt.  Telushkin quotes a rabbi who meets with a group on a weekly basis to discuss slights they have suffered since the previous meeting - and who come up with reasons that people might not have realized their actions seemed slighting.

Can we push this up to the level of thinking about the kidnappers of the three Israeli teenagers?  What would make someone kidnap and kill someone else?  They looked at the Israelis as occupiers?  They wanted to send some kind of message?  Their own lives were so devoid of hope that they wanted to spread a sense of nihilism into the community?  Do any of these reasons justify the kidnapping and killing of three young men - collateral damage?  Could the presence of a yeshivah in Hebron so outrage certain members of the Hebron community that they felt justified in kidnapping and killing three random young men?  

Where does this end?  And at what point does someone justifiably say, “This and no more.”  When does judge your neighbor in justice become playing the patsy?

If You Have A Bad Temper (2)

“The Talmud teaches that when a wise man loses his temper, he also loses his wisdom.”  This reading feels incredibly appropriate with today’s news of the discovery of the three Israeli teenagers bodies just outside of Hebron.  Such a tragedy on so many levels.  For the families - unspeakable sadness, a parent should never have to bury a child, but especially under these circumstances.  For the Israelis and Palestinians - one can only pray that the ‘bad tempered’ on both sides are able to somehow hold back on their words and actions.  Telushkin ends his piece quoting an 11th century Jewish poet, Solomon ibn Gabriel, “I can retract what I did not say, but I cannot retract what I already said.”

What might today’s discovery spiral into?   Israeli retaliation followed by Hamas “opening the gates of hell” as they have threatened to do in case of retaliation?  Can cooler heads, on both sides, seize this moment?  Is peaceful co-existence still a possibility?  Sad times, indeed.

If You Have A Bad Temper. Part 1

This is the first time that Telushkin has used “Part 1", so we are clearly onto a big topic.  He cites the Mishnah tract about the four kinds of temperament, focusing on the idea that it is more important to train oneself to be easily appeased, than it it is to be one who is slow to anger.

I expected the reverse.  I suppose he puts the emphasis this way because being easily appeased focuses more on the other person, while anger is something within ourselves.  He is consistent in his emphasis on "what we do to others" being more important than "what we do to ourselves."  He states that it is important to work on both aspects of the temperament.  Looking forward to how he parses this for tomorrow.

Don’t Speak Unless You Have Something To Say

Quoting Disraeli’s advice to a new member of Parliament, “It is better to remain silent and have people say, ‘I wonder what he’s thing,’ than to speak up and have people say, ‘I wonder why he spoke.’”

Or to remember David Byrne, Say something once, why say it again?  I have always been reluctant to speak up in most situations.  But then there are places like camp, where I feel so comfortable speaking up, and often, in a comedically gruff way.  Today’s rap a good example. 

“I’m an older white man and a Jew to boot,

But they put me in rap so I better get to it.

I don’t think this music really has a point,

So I’d rather study Torah and smoke a joint.”

Done, I might say, with some swagger and attitude.  If you’re going to say something - make it worth listening to (and thinking about).  Don’t talk to be heard, talk to be listened to.

Respect Your In Laws

Using the example of Moses and Jethro, Telushkin reminds us that, if nothing else, our in laws are responsible for creating and shaping our spouses.  Dayenu!

Love Your Wife As Yourself

Love Your Wife As Yourself

             Babylonian Talmud

The important point, says Telushkin, is not that you feel as if you acted with love, but that your wife feels loved.  It’s not about my actions, but about her feelings.  In so many ways, our actions can be misinterpreted.  It’s is all, and always, in the subtext.  There are the words I say, but there is also the way that I say them.  Just as there are the actions that I do, and the way that I do them.  As in all of life, it’s not about the action or the intention alone, it is also and always about the way the words and actions are perceived.  

It is that way with people who are sometimes unintentionally cruel by telling the truth.  “You asked, so I told you.”  Not always the best way to respond.  Sometimes, to maintain peace in the house, it is necessary to nuance your answer or action.  Truth may be the easiest story to remember.  But it’s not always the best story for the situation.  

The First Trait To Look For In A Spouse

When I was young, I admired clever people.  Now that I’m older, I admire kind people.

          Rabbi Milton Steinberg

Telushkin reviews the tale of Rebecca at the well.  A woman, who happened to be lovely, was also strong enough to carry water for camels, and kind enough to offer water to a stranger.  Who happened to be Abraham’s servant, looking for a wife for Abraham’s son, Isaac.

Kindness.  A quality that can be measured in so many small ways.  Like all of Telushkin’s writings to this point - the quality of the person is in the small details of their behavior.  Kindness.  Fairness.  Honoring your family above all else.  

Karyl and I have been together for almost 34 years.  34 years!!  It’s impossible to remember all of the big and small things that have transpired over that time.  Seattle.  Kids.  Newton.  Jobs.  Friends.  Losses.  Victories.  So much to be measured in so many small moments.

Kindness.  The little moments I get to experience everyday when I work at Starbucks, and how little effort is required to make someone smile.  The surprisingly small things that elicit the response, “Wow.  You just made my day.  I really needed that.”  Kindness is so easy.

With both kids home for the summer, I am readjusting to be an everyday parent.  I realize again how easy it is NOT to be kind.  I have to remember the mantra from several days ago, “Be the reason someone smiles today.”  

Stay Away From A Bad Neighbor

Telushkin uses this idea from Pirkei Avot, as a jumping off point for today’s lesson.  Lot was strongly influenced by his neighbors in Sodom - although he refused the crowd’s demands to have their way with his guests (who happened to be messengers from God), he did offer his two virgin daughters to the crowd.  And then there was Korach, who was able to roundup 250 leaders of the tribe of Reuven to rebel against Moses and Aaron - that didn’t go so well for them.  Peer pressure is something that we are all aware of.  But Telushkin makes an intriguing statement, “…evil tends to be a more powerful influence than good.”

That made me pause and go, “Hmmm.”  Really?  Is that really true?  Maybe evil is more powerful than good (certainly a few armed terrorists can hijack a much larger group).  Maybe evil is somehow more compelling than good?  But what does that say about the good options that are provided to people?  Is it naive to think that good can be more powerful than evil?  We certainly see some cases where “good prevails” - this week’s celebration of the 50th anniversary of The Freedom Marchs would be a relevant example.  But good never seems to prevail without a lot of pain and a long experience of evil.  Is there something innate in human nature that is drawn to evil.  Or if evil is a bit hyperbolic, why are we so often drawn to the things that we know are bad for us?  THAT is a topic that I hope Telushkin explores in greater depth.

Don’t Waste Time

He tells the story of a dentist who, between appointments, would spend a couple of minutes studying Talmud.  In this way, he says, the man was able to complete Daf Yomi in 7 years.

Don’t.  Waste.  Time.  This may be my biggest issue.  “Wasting time” vs. “relaxing.”  My life isn’t REALLY that tiring.  I should use my awake time more productively (do some of that writing you’re always threatening to do…)  Create good habits.  Habits take practice.  Start practicing.

Bless Your Children

It is customary for parents to bless their children on Shabbat in conjunction with the lighting of Shabbat candles.  This is one thing that I wish I had done every Shabbat.  When our kids were younger (they are now 19 and 23), I used to make sure that we had a special Shabbat dinner every Friday night.  It usually consisted of challah, a roast chicken, some form of potato and sparkling apple cider.  We didn't always light candles. We never blessed the kids.

I have often felt guilty (THERES a useless waste of energy) that we didn't make  Shabbat more special.  I love the idea mentioned in this piece of saying something to each child about a thing they did that week which made their parents proud.

Shabbat, as Heschel reminds us  is a 'cathedral in time'. A special time for reflection and study.  This weekend we are gathered with friends at a small  cabin in Maine to spread the ashes of a beloved friend on a lake which meant the world to her.  This will be an extraordinary Shabbat.

Oh to have those earlier Shabbats back.  Over the past couple of years, I have made sure to wish my kids, while away at college, a happy Shabbat.  The simple act of making the wish reminds ME that Shabbat has returned, and with it, the obligation to slow down, study and reflect.  And bless my children.

Shabbat shalom!